Friday, May 14, 2010


My biggest weakness is my unwillingness to show my weakness.

I'm feeling quite upset now due to some issues that I have no control over. I always paint a very nice picture of my life on my blog, but you don't see the ugly mess on the other side of the painting. That doesn't mean I'm lying. I am honest in everything I say, just that I don't talk about certain things.

I'm very protective about myself. I don't like to feel vulnerable in the hands of other people, thus I seldom talk about the imperfections of my life. Even when I do, I do it cryptically. Like now.

Whenever problems surface, I don't usually pour them out to friends. I'm generally a very share-it-all person, but I'm very conscious about people's impression towards me. For example, when someone tells me that she is envious of my life cos of this or that, all the more I would hold back from telling her about the bad side regarding this and that. It just happens so unconsciously and I don't know why.

And when problems become too much for me to handle, I bottle up so much inside me because I can't find anyone to talk to. I have friends, but I don't usually fill them in the details of everything in my life, thus it is very difficult for them to understand the full picture. And so it seems like there isn't anyone suitable for me to pour my sadness to, nobody who fully knows and understand me. When the emotions lose control, I breakdown and cry. I feel so helpless.

There are people who care, but the problem lies with myself. I'm not open enough. I'm very open to let anyone into my feelings, but not open enough to reach into the deepest of my heart.

I'm writing this entry, just to say that sometimes what seems to be on the surface might not be the full situation.

Isn't it so contradicting? This morning I wrote that happy entry below this one. Merely hours later, my mood became like this. Who knows, perhaps tonight I'll be feeling blissful again?

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