Friday, July 16, 2010

What I think about myself.

Despite my rants this few days, I'm actually feeling quite happy recently!

Everything's going in the right direction, and I hope it'll keep moving positively. It wasn't an exciting week for me... just the usual, go work go home. But I felt happy. Except when I'm doing the Personal Assistant's work of course.

But still, this few days were alot better than the sucky days I have usually.

Anyway, I was reading a book in the cab this morning and when I took a break from the book to look out at the window, I asked myself "how do you feel about yourself?"

I realised that I really like the kind of girl I am. I think that I'm unique and interesting enough - in real life.

I don't think I show my personality alot on my blog. But I feel that I'm such a candid person and candidness cannot be shown on blogs/in writing. If there's one thing I'm proud of, it'd be how genuine I am. I think that I can be read like a open book, and I never tried to close it.

I like that when I'm happy I laugh when I'm sad I cry. I don't hold back my feelings. Many boys that I've dated, including SX had mentioned they liked how I don't hide my feelings. When I'm upset about a particular thing they said/do, I usually show it and say it out. They felt that too many girls say "no" when they mean yes and they find it frustrating (I find this kind of girls confusing and frustrating too).

But then after being with me for almost a year I think now SX think I too direct liao. I think he now prefers me to be the quiet, virtue, understanding, demure kind like those in ancient movies. The woman behind, supporting the man in whatever he does and not complaining even if she felt not right. But I had never agreed to that. I don't expect gender equality but I believe that a relationship should always be fair. I do not live to make a man happy okay. If I feel unhappy, then something must be done to correct it. I don't expect myself to bottle it up inside... I'd rather try to voice it out so that both of us can make it right. But then I think I might be too straightforward, not understanding about saying it at the right moment. I know it's selfish when I voice out my displeasure at times when he needs support, but I usually don't think before I talk - so sometimes I offend people without intending to.

There's also something else I don't like about myself.

My lack of guts to chase after what I really want. I've blogged about this before so I won't repeat myself. I admire some of these bloggers. They want something (or fame), they chase after it blalantly. They do not care about what others think about them. Although I don't get affected by haters comments on my blog most of the time, but I really do care about what majority of the people think about me. And it's their guts which brings them to where they are now or where they would be moving forward to..... And meanwhile I would be stuck here, stagnant in my comfort zone when what I really want, is to be there.

I have alot of dreams. And I'm moving towards one of them. I hope I can acheive the others soon too (but I don't have time and capital now, so I guess I can only acheive them when I'm 30 or something).

I think my time is running out fast. I think that life stops at 40... or maybe at most... 45. Because everything that I built my life on, cannot be done anymore when I'm old. I cannot camwhore and post on my blog when I'm 45 anymore. I cannot follow fashion trends of the twenties anymore when I'm 40. Given my current health state, I'm sure that when I turn 40, I'd be suffering with sickness and too weak to do alot of things that I wanna do. (like vacationing around the world)

I also hope that I'd be financially-able to help at poor countries when I grow up (build houses/provide food, etc). Uh yes, I'm not that kind like those really selfless people... I'm still selfish in a way that I have to make sure that I'm financially-able enough to let myself and my family lead a comfortable life before I'd use the extra money to do good. And I also don't dare to help out at war-countries. So... yeah. Some of you might find this as an excuse and that if I really wanna help I'd help no matter what, but as I said, I'm really not that selfless. I'm sorry to admit this.

And that's why I'm juggling so much now. I don't feel contented with just doing one thing because there's so much I wanna do and I must do it before I'm too old or weak to do it.

Don't you all think that working so much in 20s to 30s is very wasteful cos we spend all our youth on working in offices just because we need to earn alot of money to do the things we want to do, except that by the time we saved enough, we are too old/no strength/too sick to do it anymore.

I think that life should start from old and progress to young.

We should all work hard in offices when we are 40 - 80, because there's nothing else we can do anyway (too weak). Save money, cos the only money we need to spend on is house and food. No need care about fashion , cameras, cos so old already camwhore also not chio.

Then 20s and 30s, we spend our time chasing our dreams, enjoying life with the money we earn from 40s-80s.

Then when 1year old - 20 year old comes, we relax, play, then slowly die away without knowing pain (baby don't have the kind of feelings/fear that adults do).

I tell SX about the things I wanna do, the stuff I wanna try. He doesn't understand and asked me why I always want to do so many things at once. I'm not like the usual people who only have one single job. I have my blogging, and I have my real job, but I still want more.

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