ESTHERXIE.COM

Today is 18th of September 2007.
IF we didn't broke up, today would be our one year anniversary.

ShunLai.
He started being part of my life on 18th September last year.
and he walked out of it 6 months ago.

6 months of relationship might not be considered long at all to whoever you are reading this, but it has left a big impact to me. It was my longest relationship to date.

Anyway, im writing this entry not because i miss him.
Not because i want him back.
Not because i still love him.

I dont want him back, because i know things wont be the same. I would rather let our memories remain as beautiful as it is. I dont miss him, because i dont think about him all the time. I dont love him anymore, because we didn't contact since the day we left each other.

But somehow, it's nice to remember things about the person you were so close to in the past. I was searching for a very old picture of myself afew days ago, and found all those photos i took with him in the past. And everything about us refreshed in my mind.

When we first started, most of our friends expected our relationship to last not more than 2 or 3 weeks. He was wellknown for having many girl friends, and i was wellknown for changing boyfriends constantly.

When we first started, both of us weren't really in love with each other. He still love his ex at that time, and i still miss my ex at that time. We were almost like flings to each other.

It was my O levels during that time, so i wasn't very preoccupied about the relationship stuffs. We just asked each other out and have fun. Both of us weren't serious. I dont like alot of things about him, and he had no interest in me.

i forgot how we started to really liked each other, but i guess it's just time. And maybe he felt he had the responsiblity to take care of me since im his girlfriend.

I remember how i celebrated my birthday with him faking a smile, because he was more concentrated on msn chatting with his ex than on my birthday. But the best thing that day was, his expression when he reluctantly sang the birthday song because i forced him to.

I remember on my Graduation night, he dressed up just to fetch me home from the hotel. I felt so loved with him holding my hands down the streets of orchard road.

We took this picture at that time, and it has been the wallpaper of his hp up till the day we broke up.
I remember Christmas day, i forced him to spend it with me. We did nothing but just sitting on a bench in the middle of a shopping centre.

I remember how he was always late.
I remember how i think he was too realistic.
I remember how i bought a cheesecake for him as a surprise when he complained that i wasn't sweet enough to him.
I remember on one of our month anniversary, i made a box of cookies for him.
I remember how we would always keep quiet in the mrt train after quarreling, and a hug from him would solved everything.
I remember how i cried over him. I remember how he complained about me being a troublesome, stupid and childish girlfriend. I remember how i blamed myself for not being good enough.
I remember how we would always have no topics to chat about.
I remember how he always pretend to stay back in his office till late so that he could say he "shun bian" bring me home from work.
I remember how comfortable i always felt in his arms.
I remember how much i loved his fried eggs.
I remember how he pulled me to the salon to cut my hair because he thinks my hair is ugly.


I remember Valentines day.
I made a video for him, and uploaded it to youtube and my blog in the morning before i went out. We sort of quarrelled on that day, because i kind of expected more from him, but oh well, he was sick so he wasn't exactly in the mood that day. When he got home, i asked him to watch the video and he was touched. He promised to celebrate a better valentines the next day. And we did.

The next few days, his msn nick was the link of the video, asking people to see the video his "wife" made for him. Little things like that made me happy whole day.

I remember how he told me he loved me, i remember how he melted my heart with those confessions of his feelings that day. Somehow, i felt safe knowing that the best things about him was his honesty and responsiblity. He was a very direct and honest person, so i was never afraid he would be lying to me. Although he always complained about me not being independant enough, he would always take the responsiblity to help me whenever i need him.

I remember Chinese New Year.
He wanted me to come to his house and have a formal meet-the-parents session. He came to my house too, and i could see he was all jittery and nervous about meeting my parents. He had tried to give the best impression he could, and his sincerity was already enough.

I remember the little surprises he would give me while im at work. He would walk into the shop occassionaly and pass me a little cake or bread. Sweet little things like that made me love him all the more.

As i looked at our old photos, there's some sort of feeling overwhelming me, but i dont know how to describe it. I never had to "act" in front of him. I could reveal what i was infront of him. I was so close to him at that time, but now we are like strangers.

For those 6 months, we were almost always together. He spent all his free time on me, and was always trying to be a better boyfriend for me. Although he had many female friends, i was always secure with him. It was me who kept making him jealous by going out with alot of guy friends.

I wasn't contented at that time.
I was always complaining about him not being sensitive enough or something else. But now that i looked back, it was me who didn't gave him enough. He was always the one sacrificing for me, and he said he had never done so much for any girlfriend before.

He wasn't the best boyfriend.
But i know he tried his best, and that's all that matter.