Saturday, March 31, 2012

After the break up

I've been feeling rather reflective recently!

Kept thinking about stuff and wanting to blog but whenever I reach home from work I feel so tired that I fall asleep on bed immediately after dinner. And then after my little nap, I'd feel too drowsy to type proper words.

Just an update on my life...
Nothing much. Times after the break up was difficult. I refused to give in and he was unwilling to compromise. Both of us wanted it our way. Then came a period of time when I decided to just wait it out and hope he will wake up. He was still cordial to me back then and even sort of encouraged me to stay on so I thought that we could probably work this out. We went out a couple of times after the big break up but only as friends. There were a few happy moments but nothing as a couple (nope, we did not hold hands nor hug. Heck, I even went home on my own.) I felt contented sometimes and upset sometimes. But I kept it all inside because I didn't want to be a bitch and push him further away. I felt kinda lost at that time, because I don't know if I should give up or not. I did not want to waste the effort we had put in for so long. I thought that if I became the perfect girl he always wanted, he'd eventually fall in love with me again.

I had a week long work event shortly after that and I was kept busy with work. At the same time, I started to find that I could stand individually on my own. I caught up with friends and suddenly I felt strength and happiness even without him. I reflected on the difficult relationship we had and gradually felt less heartbroken about everything. I felt that it was impossible to mend a relationship that has gone way out of path.

Just when I was about to fully detach myself from him, he started to suggest that we both work the relationship out. It was a painful choice for me. I could take up his suggestion and try it out but risk getting hurt again. We had tried to start over plenty times during the course of our relationship and every single time history repeated. But the way he spoke this time felt different.... I felt that maybe, maybe this time could be different. (But then there are also plenty of other issues that are still unsolved... How are we going to solve them? How can my family accept him again after what he did to me?)

Another choice was to completely let go. I felt a sense of irony. Like this was the moment I've been waiting for so long yet when it happens, I decide to forgo the chance?!?! But yet this was the only time I felt the strength to let go... If I don't make use of the courage I have currently, I really don't know how I can let go in the future if we don't work out again.

Choices choices.... Have been thinking a lot about our past memories and I really don't know if I could find someone like that anymore. I've always felt that we were incompatible and from different worlds but now that I think back, we are actually very suitable for each other! To be honest, I don't think any guy ever loved me as much as the way he did. But that's the past now.

So anyway, Mum went to the fortune teller few days back and got back with a few tips for me. Some were quite accurate, but there was this particular sentence about my relationship path this year. Which made me reflect that no matter how hard you try, you can't fight fate. Then what's the point?? What's the point of putting so much into your relationship when fate decides everything, when fate decides that one should go wayward??

This is discouraging.

I think I became quite cynical to love and relationships. So much that I sounded pessimistic.

I'm still trying to get my life back on track currently... And so far, it's not bad. But I'm feeling kinda lazy to maintain my blog. I just want to enjoy myself day in day out, browse through other blogs, stalk people on Facebook, play games, etc. I just didn't want to think. I want to space out.

Will update proper entries soon :)

雨都停了, 这片天 灰什麽呢?

有些爱 越想抽离却越更清晰,
那最痛的距离 是你不在身边,却在我的心里.


我找不到理由忘记 大雨里的别离
我找不到理由放弃 我等你的决心

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