Sunday, December 25, 2011

Being Cryptic

I've been thinking back about the things that have happened for the past 2 years.

I used to be really personal and open on my blog. But I realise that I have not been completely honest about my current relationship here. I don't know. Perhaps because I know the consequences. Because I know my relatives and parents are monitoring this blog. I don't really care about what you strangers think about the choices I've made, but I do feel affected when people I know disagree with my choice of route. I think I have some sort of responsibility to hold here. That's why most of the time when I want to share a bit of my feelings on my blog or twitter, I'd try as much as I can to say it cryptically. Might as well don't say anything at all - you are thinking. But to me, it's an avenue for me to release my pent up feelings. I don't like burdening my friends with my issues, so usually I'd hesitate before sharing. There's really very limited people in my life who really knows much about what is happening... I think even this group of people don't know the full story because I only share bits and parts to each person. They'd have to join up together to piece the full story haha but they are from different clique, so I guess it won't happen.

Perhaps I'd share about it if the relationship ever has a definite end one day. It's so dramatic. For those who know me in real life, please ignore this entry and don't ask me about it if I have not shared it with you. I'm not ready yet.

** And it comes to a conclusion that what I will wish for this Christmas is Freedom. I realise that the lack of it is what affected alot of happenings in my life since I was in secondary school. If I had freedom, a lot of things wouldn't be a problem. I wouldn't have lost my friends and boyfriends in secondary school just because I couldn't hang out after school. After graduating and having this blog, I can now go out but I can't stay past midnight, overnight or go overseas. If not for that, I wouldn't have any insecure feelings about past boyfriends going clubbing because I could join in and that solves the problem. I would be able to go for late night spontaneous suppers and mix around fine with past boyfriends' friends. I would be able to join my girl friends for staycations. Travelling makes me happy and my ultimate goal is to be able to travel full-time one day. It's really a far-fetch dream to most people but I think I am close, just lack of an opportunity. If I'm not given this opportunity, I would have spent all my money on short trips every week or at least every month, but I can't because of my lack of freedom. Not just physical freedom, it is also the lack of freedom to be able to freely make any choice in my life. The consequences to every choice I make is heavy, and I have to answer for it. It's tying me down and really, all I want to do is fly freely. You see, most of the time I really don't care about what the whole world think. But behind every decision I make, I have to think of the loved-ones around me and that is why it's so hard for me to do things I want to do. Perhaps my dream is really too unrealistic and people are concerned... But I kinda envy people who could chase their dreams recklessly without a care. That's not gonna happen to me ever, because although I love freedom, I also can't live without what I currently have - Stability and Security.

Merry Christmas everyone.

**This entry written some time ago lah. I had fun today. Happy entry coming soon! :D

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