Sunday, August 22, 2010

Sunshine after rain? It's bullshit.

Sorry people.
It's another emo post.
I've alot on my mind but I think it'll come out here incoherently because seriously, my mind's kinda fucked up right now.

I have always believed in the words "sunshine after rain". But I feel that I'm starting to lose faith in these words. What sunshine after rain? All I had this month was storm after storm after storm.

August has been a horrible month for me. After last week's drama, I thought everything would be over, I thought I could get back to my original life.

But no.

Last time whenever I have a bad day, my solution was to sleep and the next day it would be fine. If this week was lousy, the next week would be fine. But this time it was day after day after day. I feel so helpless because everything that is happening is beyond my control. All this is just too much for me to handle. I'm at a loss for decisions and solutions.

I always think that [船到桥头自然直], so I don't usually worry that much.

Then it occured to me that if other people could have tragedy-ridden lives, it could also mean that I might have picked a bad card for my life too. What if I'm destined to have a bitter life? Just the thought itself is enough to kill all my hopes. What's the use of living a life that is destined to be tragic?? I can totally feel the start of it already. I don't understand why I super suay one.

Deep inside, I don't know which direction to take. I'm the kind of girl who would fight for what I want, even if it means going against general opinions. I always go with my heart instinct, and then hope that it won't be a mistake. I never ever listen to people's advice, unless it supports what my heart wants to hear. Unless my god comes down and tell me the solution and tell me the truth to the whole story. I would listen to her if she tells me I'd be fine after making that choice. I want to talk to her.

I guess I'm just afraid of making hasty wrong decisions. I don't know if you understand my way of thinking.

I feel like I'm trying to put on a smile and telling everyone that everything is fine because I don't want anyone to tell me the words I dreaded to hear. I'm like trying to convince myself that my decision was right.

I feel like I'm losing everything I have.

Because of the problems I'm going through, I think alot of my friends are starting to get angry at me cos I go towards them for support, yet never ever listen to their advices. Actually I know what they are saying. Part of me feels that way too but I know I'm trying to hide those feelings because I do hope that it is not the truth. I know they all is "wei wo hao" one. The bf's not making the situation better too. I feel alone.

I don't even have the mood to update my blog properly. Sometimes I just log into blogspot and publish drafts that I wrote previously. I have lots of pictures but there's too much going on in my mind to blog about them properly.

All that is going on is so unclear. Or maybe I'm clear about it just that I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt.

You know what I need now?
I don't want to hear people reprimanding me. I just need support and assurance. I just need to know that no matter what decisions I make, be it right or wrong, my life will get well soon.

Will it?

The rihanna part sounds good. not the words. it's just that the way she sings it and the way the melody goes, it sounds so sorrowful as I feel.

Bring me outta here cos i can't get out on my own.

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