Thursday, July 30, 2009
Something to think about.
When i was younger, i fell in and out of love like it was nothing. All of them last an average of 3 pathetic weeks. At then i was questioning myself: "why he dont like me anymore?" , "i treat him so good why he dump me?", etc etc.
Then at a point of my life, it seemed like: "the least interested i am to a guy, the more interested he is in me. The more i care about him, the least he'll care. "
In other words... "if you like him more than he likes you, you'll get dumped by him". "if you dont like him as much as he likes you, he'll go crazy over you."
I tested it on different guys and presto, it does work. After some time, i couldn't pull myself away from this belief anymore. I used it on every single bf who started neglecting me. I used it on every single bf during the initial stages.
Yet, it's not easy.
You know, when you care about someone, it's not easy to stop yourself from doing so. Many a time, in order to "dont care" about a bf, i would go out with other guys or flirt with random strangers in clubs. Yes, i managed to divert my attention for awhile, but towards night time, it's always my bfs that i think of before going to sleep.
I hate to be vulnerable in a relationship, and that should explain why i always use this method. I always try to make myself distant and unavailable, but deep in my heart im yelling "yes i wanna go out with you, yes i wanna talk on the phone with you, yes i care so much so much".
And yeap, i feeling this way again.
This time, there is something different.
I dont want to be the one who cares more. (i think it's the fear of losing someone because i still believe that if you like him too much he'll end up losing feelings for you)
I want to experience the feeling of liking someone. (yet i can't do it because there's still the fear there)
It's so contradicting.
I went to search in google "the one who loves least controls the relationship", and i got to this forum. I think some things that the people there said are really true.
"I think that works in a way. But the one who loves the least also does not get the experience of loving BIG. "
"As soon as anyone has a belief that the other person "would never leave me" then it's an announcement of a one-up. And if you're worried that your partner will leave you then you're coming out as a one-down. The best relationships happen when each partner believe themselves to be one-downs. That's why, in long lasting relationships, partners are often announced as "my better half."
"But I am very wary about concluding that the 'one down' then must act unavailable and all that. That is just tactics that hides the underlying problem: some people have lower self-esteem and are more needy than others. It is not about being more "loving" in the relationship, but about one partner being more needy than the other. Moreover, acting like someone you are not, is very difficult to do over a long time"
“i agree that the one who cares less controls the relationship. but i have learnt that in such instances, i pull back.. I know it's easier said then done, It's hard, specially when you yearn for the person, and have to put your foot down and play it cool.. . But when pulling back you have to keep in check as well that they aren't just interested bcos they suddenly may not have you. it can't be a cat and mouse game forever. ”
Put in all you have and constantly fear that he'll leave you one day,
Or act like you dont care and never get to experience the pleasure of giving?
Im really tired of pulling back whenever i fall. It's tiring because u have to act like you dont care at all when actually you care alot.
I wish i could just let myself fall without worries. Or rather, i wish i can never like someone that much, so that i really dont care.
** oh, and anyone else here feels a constant need to win all your partner's exs? For my past few relationships, this has always been the case. It's damn tiring you know, tending to feel jealous whenever there's something that the ex does better than i can, or when the bf remembers sweet things that they've done before. PFFFFTTT. It's so frustrating. What's worse is when your brain refuses to accept the fact that your bf has really gotten over his exs. The brain just keeps being too paranoid and manipulate yourself to think otherwise.
I do tell him about my worries all that, but i dont really want to tell him every single time i feel this way because it'll definitely make him feel irritated. But then im the kind who will say whatever that's on my mind out one! I cannot tahan and keep it inside one lor -_- TMD.
Updated: Just read this. http://blog.rachaelstott.com/2009/07/care-less/ Quite meaningful.
Hoodie from korea
4 colors to select, free size! Cute isn't it?
They sponsored me this NewLook lenses from australia.
The choco one is very natural yet enlarging!
They are only capping 10 pairs per spree, each pair will be $40 with free registered postage and casing:) 2nd pair onwards will be $35 with free registered postage and casing too!
Go order yours at http://cher-showroom.livejournal.com/ now :)
It was Fiona's bday that day and i went down to her house with Maisarah in the morning to celebrate. Bought a little cake from the neighbourhood on the way there. Haha. (fiona didn't know maisarah was coming =D Surprise her!)
Played card games. I won i won i won :D:D
Then i got itchyhand and changed her wallpaper to this "happy bday fiona". Maisarah went to hide her desktop icons. Hahaha. Till now fiona still dont know how to undo everything =P
After that was the flea at SMU. Sophia was sick last minute and Xiaoting took over her. I needed someone to help me carry the stuffs, and so SX came to help :)
After setting up, me and SX went to eat while xiaoting and her friend tended the stall as we were very very hungry.
Rootbeer float =D
We were both very tempted by this crispy chicken on the menu :) Yumm!
Glutton SX wanted to eat this big chocolate cake.
Went back to tend the store. After awhile SX got bored and i had to bring him to go Plaza Singapura's Daiso to walk walk -_- He's like a little boy lor, keep itchy hand take things to play, like very curious about every single thing lydat. I feel like a mum when i bring him out. Haha.
This guy have very short attention span one sia. He bought 2 russell lee books back to read but after like 1 or 2 pages he was dozing off already. zzzz.
He kept playing with my flabby arm's fats. TMD. He thinks it's fun.
SX sat down there doing nothing accompanying me for almost 8 hours. Quite kelian hor. If im him i wont have that kind of patience lo. Hahaha.
After the whole thing (we gave out most of our leftovers to 3 ladies who gladly took them!), went for steamboat with SX :)
The gold one the colour kept dropping on my neck so i decided to get a new one. Saw the chipmunk one and bought it though i didn't really like it. In the end saw the pink stripes one at 77th street. Cheaper than the chipmunk one plus nicer lor!
Alright ending off here!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Victor drove me to orchard after that :)
* * * * * * *
Explored Iluma for the first time :)
So boring lor that place. So empty. Pity the shop owners.
The UFO catchers all bluff people one lor! Cannot catch one.
Wanted to watch movie but no nice movies that day. Boo.
It was a hot day so we went over to icemonster to have some ice. Love love love their mango. Craving for it already.
Went over to arab street to get crystals to bling my phone but the shop was closed already. Waste my time! In the end went over to Far east just to get them.
Before that had dinner at LerkThai first. Was super hungry and SX wanted to eat spicy stuff.
This drink is nice!
Tomyam soup. Damn spicy.
Green Curry. Tastes like normal curry.
Salad. None of us ate it. It came with the set menu.
Totally love the fried egg. Best out of everything!
The dessert. I like!
SX went to find this soy dessert for me. Cos last time while we were talking on the phone, he told me about this beancurd dessert and said want let me try one day. Surprised he remember, cos i forgot about it lor! Haha.
It's beancurd with flavours. Can eat right out of the pack. You all can go try too!
check out some of the pretty pieces from their latest collection! :)
They gave me this lovely floral dress with a special back :)
They also have nice bags :) Go see!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Everyone who have been to my home before would know that my home is kinda separated into two sides. A mini balcony when you open the main door, then a mini corridor leading to the living room, spreading out to a balcony, storeroom, dining room, kitchen and study room, and all this is one side. The other 3 bedrooms is the another side, and a corridor separates these two sides.
So just now while i was walking along the corridor wanting to turn left into my bedroom, i turned a second too early and banged onto my door frame -.- Guess what? My forehead didn't touch the door frame, my nose didnt, my lips didnt. Only my two front teeth. Imagine the impact!! Amazingly after i recovered from my initial shock, i was happy to know that my two front teeth didn't drop off. Phew! (the teeth did scratched a piece of paint from the door frame though. lol.)
Conclusion: I have strong teeth. Be careful of my bite!
Today is Sister's bday! Bought her a big teddy bear :)
Me And Isaac.
Here are some pictures from the shoot :)
Me and Isaac.
And this two which isaac dont want his face to be shown cos he thinks not nice.
And Ion, Fish&co, and ...
Heh, explored Ion for the first time afew days back. Sx had only 2 hours of sleep that day and he got super dizzy as we went round and round the complicated building in search for a place to sit down and eat. Finally settled for fish&co. Lol.
The soup and service is damn good.
The 2nd time i went to Ion, it was with Celine and Louis. This time it was my turn to get dizzy as we climbed up and down at least 3 times from the top level to basement4, from basement4 to the top level. Haha, we couldn't find our way around properly! I dont think i'll go there alone any time soon. I'll surely get lost in that amazing maze -.-
Have been seeing sx every single day recently. lol. Wonder if he's already bored of looking at my face. i stopped taking so much photos with him nowadays because i always have the thinking that "aiya, i'll see him again anyway." Haha. Another reason is also im kinda dressing down all the time this few weeks. I think im at two very extreme ends. When i go to events or town with friends, i would dress up, put on thick makeup and don my highest heels. When i go to school, usually it's just one line of eyeliner beneath that pair of glasses, abit of foundation (sometimes forgetting the blusher), messy hair, casual dresses and flipflops. I think i look like two different person. Haha. Im so glad sx likes me for my personality alot more than just my looks, and it makes me very comfortable around him.
But then hor, there's a BIG BIG problem.
Our boss keeps pulling us apart (we used to have same breaktimes and talk alot at work but since last month she purposely put us at different break times and made him have offdays whenever im scheduled for work. She also forbids us from talking at work. Yes, just the two of us. She'll put me at one section and him at the other. We are not allowed to step into each other's section unless necessary. Shouldn't make eyecontact as well. ) This isnt so much of an issue since we still get to go home together and talk when she's not around, but still.... :[
My mum strongly objects to us being together. Mum has never objected to any of my boyfriends before. First, it was about his tattoos. Then, it was about his education qualifications and his future. But have my parents ever thought about how happy i was this couple of months? What should really matter is whether he's treating me right and whether im happy or not, isn't it? (im just afraid to start quarreling with mum again over this. She seem to think that im always rebelling against her for the sake of rebelling, but that's not the case.)
Almost all my friends predict that we wont last long. Only a couple of my closer friends gave me the thumbs up and even supported me. Yea, i dont know what will happen in the future but all i know is that for now, he hasn't start ill-treating me.
You know, all these things are making me afraid. I feel that they are signs that i shouldn't be going any further with him. It's like one day if things really happen, i would look back and regret not heeding these people's advices.
But the most difficult part about all this is, i dont see anything wrong with SX! (for now). I know it's too early to insist that he's great, because afterall, we are still at the beginning stage, but even my sister thinks that he's really sweet leh. Heh.
Okay, i sound like a really deluded teenage girl now. But truth is, i'm really happy now you know. He seems to tick every single box i have on my list and all his flaws (that i already know) are the kind that i dont mind! Sometimes i think fate is finally treating me right after giving me so many disaster relationships in the past. But then again... sometimes im afraid that actually fate is trying to bully me again by giving me a big-disaster-disguised-in-a-beautiful-package :(
Arthur told me to just live the moment and not be afraid about what would happen next.
Yes, just let nature take its course. Right?
Wish me luck.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Actually wanted to use this picture for the blogskin but in the end chose the one that im using now.
BEHIND THE SCENES
at the shoot.
Isaac accompanied me.
The studio was at a obscure locaton in chaichee, and it was the biggest i've ever seen. The photographer said it's like 3 times the size of his house. Haha usually the studio is used for commercial stuffs, and it was because through Chris, then i had the honour of letting Hendra shoot :)
So many tissue paper used up.
Waiting for their instructions.
Hendra trying to tell me what pose he want. He's quite funny :D Felt very comfortable doing the shoot with him cos he's so professional and friendly.
Looking at the afterwork.
Yeap, had several shots with isaac. Show you all the rest soon okay! One for now!